Forgiveness

Coming out of a 32 year marriage and suddenly becoming single was certainly a big change, to say the least. You go from being a duo, a couple to solo, single. Since my marriage had become very toxic in the last 5 years prior the divorce, I savored every moment of being single. I became calmer, relaxed with alot of time on my hands. The first 2 years were years of adjustment and transition. Many times I pinched myself with euphoria that I was no longer in this relationship. I felt that I was freed from prison after serving a life sentence. New adventures and experiences were on the horizon.

I started by taking back my maiden name. It took alot of work. I had to change all my personal documents to reflect my maiden name, ie: Driver’s License, medicare, SIN, passport, life insurance, the list goes on . A new Will and Testament had to be made. It took over a year before all the changes were done.

I went around the house and started to pack away family photo’s of him and any small personal items he left behind. Painters were hired to repaint the master bedroom. I redecorated it to become “my room”.

However, I was still living the drama of my failed marriage. Everytime I met up with friends we would talk about it. Family occasions were difficult; the kids now had to share their time separately between Mom and Dad.

I needed to understand when and why the marriage started to break down. It was an obsession. I spent countless hours revisiting our past conversations, his changed behaviours, pouring over letters and occasion cards he had written to me. I also surfed the internet to read up on narcissism. My therapist had suggested he might be a narcissist, based on what I used to tell her about my relationship.

When I finally discovered who his long time mistress was, I was shocked and angry . It was someone I knew! She became another of my obsessions. I needed answers!

My ex sister-in-law advised me to confront her, to have a physical altercation with her. Actually her words were something like this, “you need to defend what belongs to you and you must grab her by the hair and show her that no one touches what belongs to you.” Yes of course my basic instinct was to do just that and obtain revenge . Instead I chose civility; revenge was out of the question.

I did confront her to obtain answers, which of course she refused to give me. With great calm and dignity I told her what I thought of her. I know after our interaction she was not too proud of herself.

This confrontation was something that I needed to do for my peace of mind. It felt as if I had a sense of control over the betrayal. Does that make sense?

As a side note the Mistress did not end up with my ex; he has another woman in his life.

Three years ago I happened to cross paths with the mistress. I said hello and asked about her. She was happy to see me. After a brief exchange about our present lives she paused and asked for my forgiveness. That was something I wasn’t expecting. I accepted her apology. At that moment all the shame she felt evaporated. I saw it in her demeanor. Her face lit up and she asked to hug me. We hugged. It was healing for the both of us.

I no longer carry any anger towards her. That too is quite liberating.

A quote from Josh Billings:

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

Let’s Talk About Sex

Yes, lets talk about sex, specifically sex after 55.

Steamy novels fly off the shelves, pornography, movies and series with erotic scenes have a large following. We all know sex sells. So why are some women depriving themselves of their sexual fantasies?

As I mentionned in a previous post, I got in touch with my sensuality after my divorce and now have a healthy sex life. I enjoy the company of a man almost 20 years younger. He is kind, gentle, a good listener and the body of Michelangelo’s David. It’s a no label relationship. We can talk for hours about many things. We are sexually compatible and respect each other. The hours spent with this man fulfills me as a woman, something I never experienced with another man. He adores my body, what more can I ask for.

After 55, most women are menopausal and some have to deal with vaginal dryness causing painful sex and a declining libido. Sagging skin, wrinkles, saggy breasts and stomach fat is all they see when looking in the mirror. They may feel unattractive and old. Some actually believe that sex is over for them. It is no wonder these women have reservations about meeting a man and having sex, let alone a younger man.

We women, are so hard on ourselves. The ability to attract men does not only come from the physical appearance. Her sensualty can be more powerful.

This is the best time to enjoy sex. There is no fear of getting pregnant, no PMS, no menstruation. There are no barriers –vaginal dryness can be treated. Of course, always practice safe sex.

My advise is to get in touch with your sensuality, appreciate your feminine curves, bring out that sexy vixen that wants to come out and play. Feel feminine. It is a state of mind. The men will follow the scent.

Sex is an expression of Self. It is powerful, liberating and raw. Imagine, all the five senses are activated simultaneously, that makes for one extraordinary experience. Sex is the connecting of 2 souls.

We are living longer. Why must we deprive ourselves of a pastime and a pleasure that is free and invigorates the body and keeps us lubricated and young?

Many people tell me I look younger than my age. I tell them, ” the sex keeps me young.”

Find your inner Goddess and let the magic begin.

The Caveman Date

I went on a date recently. Hadn’t been on one in a long time.

A few years back I signed up with a dating agency. They sent me a match before Christmas and I accepted it. The gentleman contacted me a few days later to schedule a date. We agreed to meet for a a drink. He was 67 tall and lean. Not bad looking.

I arrived at the restaurant earlier then planned since I already was in the area. It was dinner time so I ordered a buger and a beer. When he arrived, the waitress came over to take his order. He pointed at my glass of beer and said,” a beer but half of that.”

I got the conversation started. He spoke about his work, his daughter, the new cottage, the renovation of his duplex, his ex-wife. I listened. After all the talk he asked what I was looking for. I replied that we could start by getting to know each other as friends and then if there was chemistry between us we would take it to the next level. At that point he sighed with relief saying, “Ok that sounds fine with me.” He then went on to say that he had to leave to go to the gym. He hesitated momentarily, while reaching for his wallet. He pulled out a $10 bill, saying ” I gotta go, this should cover it.” He got up, hugged me and said how nice it was to meet me.

What just happened?

Honestly, I didn’t think he would contact me again, but to my surprise, he texted that same evening:

“It was nice to have met u and it was nice chatting. Speak soon and enjoy the rest of the evening.”

I didn’t hear back from him until 10 days later. He texted asking if I was free for dinner on the Sunday or Monday of the following week. I confirmed for the Monday.

On the Monday he sent me the following text:

“Hey good morning. Are we still on tonight? I could meet u st 730 as i have an appointment with the Dentist. Do u want to go for a bite or if not I can bring over a bottle of wine. Or any other suggestions would work also. Let me know”.

I felt that his suggestion to come over with a bottle of wine was brazen.

I replied that we were still on and would prefer to go for a bite. He then asked where I would like to go and if he could pick me up. I told him to pick the restaurant and I would meet him there.

Again, why did he suggest to pick me up? Did he hope I would invite him in for a nightcap after our dinner date?

I arrived first, but to my surprise the byob restaurant was closed. It was raining, so I decided to wait for him in the adjacent restaurant. He arrived a few minutes later. I called to let him know where I was. He asked if the restaurant was a byob. I said, “no”. He replied ” I guess we won’t be having any wine tonight.” (Wait, he might not have wine cause ordering a bottle was too expensive for him but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t order a glass of wine with my meal).

The waiter showed us to our table. We looked at the menu while having small talk. The waiter came by for our orders. When I placed mine I asked him to bring me a glass of wine. My date placed his order and then told the waiter in a somewhat embarrassed tone, “I guess I ‘ll have a beer.” Throughout the meal he did most of the talking (mostly because I like to ask questions so I can get to know the person). While speaking, he often had the need to scratch the side of his chest near his armpit. Hmmm, nervous tic or pre-historic man? At one point he brought up the fact that he hadn’t had sex in 4 years. I interpreted that statement as, “will you be willing to satisfy my craving for sex?”

After the meal he again asked me what I was looking for. I repeated, ” Let’s get to know each other as friends and if there is chemistry between us, we can take it to the next level.” He concurred.

The waiter came by to ask if we wished to pay cash or credit but looked at me when he asked the question. I responded, “Ask the gentleman.” My date quickly replied that he would pay with his credit card. I graciously thanked him for paying my meal, telling him that the next meal would be on me.

He walked me to my car and then awkwardly kissed me on both cheeks. We said good- bye and went on our way.

The next day I received this text from him:

Thanks for a nice evening. You had a sexy top on. I wanted to kiss u on the lips last night but it was difficult in the parking lot.

Wow! Not once during our evening did he compliment me or flirt and now he was talking about how sexy my top was and how he wanted to kiss me on the lips!

I politely texted back:

I enjoyed our dinner too.

Two days after I received this text from my date,

Him:

Hi . How is your day? Mine was good. I am in one of those moods tonight. LOL. I am just being honest with u as always. It stucks to be a male sometimes.

Me:

What’s going on?

Him:

LOL just need some sexuality I guessūüė°

Me:

I see.

Him:

I’m sorry I offended u. You sound like my doctor

Me:

Sorry, but I’m not interested.

Him:

Ok can I still see u. I am not usually like this. U mentioned it a few times that it was ok so I thought that I would ask.

Am I digging a hole that I cant get out of?

Me:

U r not digging a hole but i m not interested in u sexually.

After this interaction I did not hear back from him except after the new year. He texted, to wish me a happy new year.

Are you as baffled as I am?

Whatever happened to the fine art of seduction or flirtation or just plain respectful conversation between a man and a woman? Did it gradually go down the drain after the women’s liberation movement?

I’ve been on a number of dates over the past 3 years. I found the men to be like fish out of water when it comes to dating. They seemed awkward, uncomfortable. Most of the conversation became about them because they lacked basic conversation skills. Others were more direct, that is, after the usual pleasantries were exchanged, I was asked my views on sex, (ie: the sex positions I enjoyed) or of how they could steal a kiss from me.

Talking about this makes me visualize the image below, a caveman grunting to a woman while dragging her by the hair to his lair, “ME MAN, YOU WOMAN, LET’S F***!”

Where did evolution go wrong?

Singleness











Like all 50+ women single or otherwise, we must all go through the torture chamber called” The Mammogram”. Today was my scheduled appointment. I can’t understand how technology has not been developed to make this procedure less painful. That said, I am still grateful that screening of any kind, exists.

In the waiting room there were men accompanying their spouses/partners for moral support. Single women instead are usually alone. That is one of the downsides of being single. But in all honesty, I don t mind going alone. The upside of being single, however, is that I’m not accountable to anyone. I make all the decisions and, don’t have my spouse criticizing my decisions or having to consult with him before one is taken. I can be spontaneous and accept last minute invitations to outings and come home at any hour. I’m not sharing a bed and can toss and turn as I please. I have the bathroom and walk-in closet all to myself. I relish being alone and living alone. Sure there are times I need that WARM HUG but that’s a small price to pay for all the benefits of being single, FREEDOM!

I know, I know, some of you are going to be protesting that you are happily married and in a respectful relationship, but I am talking about my personal experience. Please do not get all worked up over my comments, LOL!!!! For now the single status gives me certain liberties that I can’t have in a committed relationship, namely dating other men and exploring my sensuality. But most importantly, getting to know me and loving myself for who I am.

The Transformation


Most people will go through some transformation when they become single. The obvious change is usually the physical appearance.

I believe the biggest transformation happens on the inside. There are many negative feelings to deal with during the period of divorce or following the death of a spouse. In my case, I felt betrayal, guilt, sadness, anger, fear, shame, disappointment, loneliness, and rejection, to name a few, LOL! I knew, that to survive and live a healthy life both emotionally and physically, I would have to deal with each and everyone of these feelings. Not any easy feat. Writing in a daily journal was a way to vent my feelings but that was not enough. Doing therapy helped but I needed healing at a deeper level.

My eldest sister pointed me in the direction of a woman who was a Reiki Master. Reiki is a form of energy healing, an Asian method, used to encourage emotional or physical healing.

When I went to my first session I was greeted by this beautiful woman who’s dark brown eyes held such compassion and warmth. She introduced herself and hugged me saying what a pleasure it was to meet me. I suddenly felt like a child enveloped in her mother’s warm embrace. During the session I was able to clear my thoughts and rest my body, mind and spirit. This woman had temporarily taken away my emotional burden. She felt my pain and gave me some spiritual guidance. I continued to see her for a few more sessions. With each session I grew spiritually. Her kindness, jolliness and empathy filled my soul with positive energy. I felt connected to God and the Universe. She touched my life in a very profound way. The healing began.

This openness to spirituality and God guided me through my cancer phase. I learned to respect my body, mind and spirit. It has given me the courage to face life’s curve balls and to be grateful for the small things that we take for granted.

Transforming my physical appearance is a work in progress much like my emotional growth; it changes as I grow as a person.

The most beautiful physical attribute and everyone has it– is your smile. Always wear it!

The New Year Begins

Happy New Year to all my readers!

With every New Year we usually reflect on the past year and make promises to do better in the coming year. My resolution this year is to work on my writing, more specifically, finish writing a book I started a few years back which will be based on  my story, of how I experienced and survived the life changing events that occurred to me.

The year 2018 ended and 2019 started  with my youngest daughter and her 2 children.

In March of 2017, my youngest daughter’s husband tragically passed away of a heart attack at the age of 33 . Four months earlier they had become the proud parents of their second child. I cannot begin to express the sadness and devastation we all felt. This life shattering event was the beginning of a new reality for my daughter and the rest of the family and friends. As her mother I needed to be there for her in whichever capacity she needed me. I offered to have her move in with me but she preferred to stay in her home. Therefore, I stayed with her until she adjusted to her new life as a single parent.

Last year, her first Christmas without her spouse, she preferred to spend it alone with her children. She hung a Christmas stocking for him on the fireplace mantel. This year she¬† asked me to sleep over on the Eve so that I would be there Christmas morning to open the gifts with the Grandchildren. This warmed my heart. Then on New Year’s Eve she asked to come over and celebrate with me. We had a nice dinner together and the kids got a kick out of the party poppers and noise makers. By¬† midnight, mother and children were fast asleep and Nana was sitting on the couch watching the count down, alone, LOL!

These precious and happy  moments are always tinged with a bit of sadnessРfor the loss of a husband and father, for a life that ended too soon.

What I want to leave you with is that it is OK to be happy and sad at the same time. It is all part of the healing . It is the human experience!

My wish for all of you is that the promises made to yourself, be fulfilled.

My mandate after becoming single.

For most of my life I was surrounded by women. Our household comprised of 5 females, my mom, my aunt, 2 sisters and myself. I remember my father only present at suppertime and Sundays. The majority of my cousins were female. I went to an “all girls” elementary school. The only male present was the janitor! In highschool, the boys and girls were segregated. It became coed the last 2 years of my attendance. After high school I started working full time at a company that had all female employees, the only males were the sales team and upper management. A few years later as the workforce changed, most of my immediate bosses were female. I did not have male friends growing up. My only boyfriend became my husband. I had 2 daughters.

The male species was an enigma for me and I had limited admiration for those that touched my life.

When I became single it became my mandate to familiarize myself with the opposite sex. I was attracted to men and liked to socialize with them but was not impressed by them. This was not a healthy attitude.

Books have been written about the male psyche namely, Dr Joyce Brothers wrote ” What Every Woman Should Know About Men”. Then there was the famous book from John Gray, “Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus and Steve Harvey’s, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.”

Reading about it was not enough, I needed to learn first hand.

How was I going to go about this?

When I decided to join the on line dating scene, I realized this would be the perfect way.

I had conversations with many men and met several more in person.

This experience has given me much insight into mens’ behaviours and actions.

Today, they are less of an enigma. I have been able to reason past hurts and expectations with regard to the men in my life.

The conclusion, and I state this without prejudice, is as follows:

“At heart, men are still insecure boys looking for a woman to accept them as they are and bear witness to their life.”

I welcome your comments.