Like Trees in Autumn

Where did the summer go? Is it just me or does the time go by faster as we age?

Lately, I’ve been giving alot of thought to my future. What now? Where do I go from here? What do I want to accomplish still?

My friend M, told me recently that she decided to sell her lovely home, purchased after her divorce, to move into a Condo. She’s stated yesterday that she was ready to begin a new phase.

Honestly, I’ve been worrying about aging lately and the fragility that comes with it.

I feel my life is winding down, like the trees in autumn, that it’s in the final phase and the end is not far off. This may sound dark but it is coming from a feeling of sadness. Sadness that all lives end. We are not eternal beings.

In order to combat this feeling, I tell myself that I must stay relevant.

There is still much to experience and savor. I MUST STAY IN THE PRESENT!

Autumn is a breathtaking season. Its colors and falling leaves are nature’s wonder. Like nature, WE, at the autumn of our lives, are here to showcase our beautiful colors. Let the show begin!

Retired and Single

Another Saturday without dinner plans. This is becoming a habit, lol.

I like living alone but I prefer company when dining out.

On my way to the restaurant this evening, it came to me that I had no particular friend who I could be complicit with. The friend that you can count on, whenever you suggest an outing at the last minute. Someone like me, retired and single!

Most of my friends work and/or are in a relationship. Their weekends are busy with family, partner or household responsibilities.

Seems to me I need to expand my pool of friends to include more retired singles, for those lonely weekends.

The Patio Party

Last Friday, my friend “M” hosted a small patio party for her lady friends, a group of 6. Except for one, we were all single ladies, either widowed, divorced or separated.

I arrived late because Friday was the day they came to lay the sod and activate the sprinklers in my newly landscaped backyard.

When I entered M’s home, I could hear the voices of her guests chatting and laughing. As I walked out to the patio the conversation stopped but I sensed a fun, lighthearted and relaxed energy amongst the group , a feeling of being at the right place, at the right time.

I apologized for being late. Everyone took the time to greet me. The wine was flowing and the entrées were inviting. I was quickly ushered to my seat at the patio table so that the topic of conversation could resume. The energy was contagious. One of the ladies quickly filled me in on the topic.

The conversation was about “M’s “friend “A”. The latter had told the ladies, before I arrived, about an incident that occurred in a parking lot that same day. Apparently, a handsome younger gentleman approached her. He complimented her on the eyeglasses she was wearing and offered her his business card. She took it, gladly.

Everyone around the table was asked their opinion, respectively, of what the gentleman’s intention was and what advise we had for “A”. The laughs were endless.

The conversation went from casual encounters to ex ‘s and our health issues. Then some light rain started. It seemed like the skies heard our sorrows and began crying for us. You would think this change of conversation and weather would dampen our spirits, humor and the lightheartedness we were all feeling. Instead, we covered our heads with our jackets, continued to pour the wine and laugh about our sad tales.

The day before, August 8th, was the “Lion’s Gate” a cosmic event.

According to spiritual experts, the effects can be felt for several days. It brings an opportunity for personal transformation and growth. Serendipities, syncronocities, deja vu’s can be experienced.

I believe that cosmic forces were at play that evening. A special connection was felt amongst all. It was an evening where everyone expressed their feelings without any fear of judgement. We were all on the same spiritual plane. Each of us demonstrated our strength of character by being genuine and respectful of each other. Our egos were subdued.

Thank You M and to all the beautiful strong women at the party. After feeling lonely and sick for 2 weeks with a bad cold, that evening was the perfect medicine to cure my self-pity.

The Family

Today my eldest daughter turned 40 at 6:08 A.M.,DST , a milestone birthday. When I reflect upon that day I remember the joy of having conceived and given birth to a healthy baby girl, for becoming a mother. I felt that I had accomplished something special and important.

Today I feel sad. Why? Because she’s not my baby anymore. She is a beautiful independant, strong woman and a mother of 2 boys and very busy. Another reason I feel sad is due to the fact that I cannot reminisce her birth and her childhood with her father, on this special day.

I think for most mothers a child’s birthday, is not only a reminder of another year gone by but also a reminder of their birth and the beginning or continuation of the New family unit.

I’m divorced, “The Family” is never the same after such a traumatic event. Yes, with time everyone adjusts to the new reality but that feeling of belonging becomes severed. It is during these life events, ie: a birthday, that it becomes blatantly clear!

My inner voice is screaming at me. It’s telling me that I failed my children. I guess that is one of the reasons we’re taught that Marriage is sacred!

Feeling sadness is the price I must pay for choosing to find my happiness by divorcing the father of my children.

The Lash Extentions

Over the past 2.5 yrs I’ve been contemplating getting lash extensions; always an excuse, from “I’m too old” to, “they won’t suit me”.

But all that changed when I met my friend E for dinner last week. E is 2 yrs my senior and she is a beautiful but modest woman, no fuss. When I saw her with lash extensions, so natural looking, I made my decision. I said to her, if she did it and liked it, then why couldn’t I take the plunge!

We previously had spoken about it and how I hesitated for various reasons and how her daughter insisted she get them and had even booked the appointment for her.

My appointment was today at 11 A.M.. I was excited. Before getting started, the esthetician presented my options and what she recommended. During my one hour session, she started a conversation and before I knew it, the job was done.

She instructed me to sit up and then handed me a mirror. “Wow, I love them,”I exclaimed! In fact, they open my eyes and it seems that I’m wearing eyeliner. I no longer have to use eye make-up. There is some daily and nightly care but at least I don’t have to fuss with the mascara and eyeliner.

Overcoming my fears, even banal ones, as lash extentions, is part of my self growth.

Trying something new gets more difficult as we age. We begin to feel comfortable with a look or a style and the next thing you know you are wearing granny shoes.

Unfortunately, we cannot avoid the aging process but some vanity plays a part in staying young.

Don’t you agree?😉

The Backyard Project

My backyard project is taking longer than expected and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to enjoy it to its fullest this summer. Without the fence, the remaining work cannot be terminated. Alas, I’m able to enjoy my furnished Gazebo which was installed last week. My neighbor C, refers to it as my little chalet, lol.

Last night, my neighbor C came over with her boyfriend, J. We were talking about our current, family sized, homes and how it will be sad to sell them when we get old.

I grew up in a modest area of town, living in small row houses, therefore I cherish the space my current home provides, including my spacious yard. It is a solace, my haven.

When I mentionned the street name that I lived on, growing up, C’s boyfriend, J stated that his father-in-law had been the janitor for many years at one of the local elementary schools. When I asked the name of the school he named the one I had attended and then he mentionned his father-in-law’s name, “Monsieur D”! I couldn’t believe the coincidence (I remember that man, such a hard working gentle soul)! I never forgot his name. He was a school fixture.

Is it a coincidence, that we happen to be talking of my childhood neighborhood, and then find out that there is a common connection between J and myself? It makes me wonder and question.

I’ve had many coincidences in my life. I think many people can relate to the one where you are thinking of a person and shortly after, you hear from them.

According to Dr. Paul Pearsall, neuropsychologist, coincidences in our lives are not simply random events, but the products of cosmic laws in action. He says, in his book, “the more a coincidence seems to mean to you, there is an opposite and contrasting message hidden somewhere for you to discover. Don’t be deceived by its first and obvious meaning”. He also explains in his book, “Making Miracles”, that coincidences happen when transitions and crises are in progress. He writes, “View the opportunity as a positive to your own development. Your coincidences will reveal that there is always a side of your living that you have been ignoring”. Interesting, yes? I came upon this book at the airport, while on a business trip.

In my blog, “The Spring Clean Up”, I wrote about being in a transitional phase. The elementary school, “Janitor”coincidence seems somehow connected to the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing these last few weeks. What revelations will be presented to me.

Is my backyard project a synchronicity to my personal evolution and struggles? Is it a metaphor of my present life?

Food for thought.

P.S.: If you enjoy my blogs, I encourage you to click on the follow button. You will be automatically notified of new posts.😁

Hold me back

This morning the doorbell awoke me. It was 7:45 a.m.. I got up quickly, put on my robe and tidied my hair. A little annoyed by the early interruption, I opened the door. It was a tall good looking young man in work clothes. He was part of the crew that came to install my backyard Gazebo. My annoyance turned into a burst of energy. He had the most beautiful smile. I went to greet them in the backyard. They were 3 strapping young men.

I messaged my younger daughter to tell her to hold me back, cause these men were just too gorgeous, lol! She replied jokingly, “Wait, I’m coming”.

I find that as I get older I appreciate the physical male attributes alot more. Especially the one of younger men. It’s like “eye candy”. Their towering strength, their strong muscular arms, their sinewy legs, their rugged look in construction boots. You can see the sweat and feel the testosterone that is emitted while they work with their tools.

One evening while having dinner at a restaurant with a friend, an “Adonis” of a speciman passed by. I could no longer concentrate on her words. I interrupted the conversation to tell her to give me a minute. Is this how men feel when they see attractive young women?

Table for One

For the past 3 weeks my back yard has been under major landscaping renovation. The work is almost finished. I have been enjoying every step of the process with one exception, the fence. Making sure my neighbors agreed on the dividing line, without the additional expenses of hiring a land surveyor and the delays it would cause, was somewhat challenging for me. However, this experience is giving me added confidence. Also, the fact that I am handling this project on my own is so empowering and fulfilling.

It is a beautiful Saturday evening and no one to enjoy it with, so I decided to take myself out. I’m enjoying a plate of lobster ravioli in a cream sauce. Next to me is a table of women in their early 50 ‘s. I can’t help hearing snippets of their conversation- ex-hubands, boyfriends and pets.

Recently, I found out that one of my female cousins has seperated after 21 years of marriage. I’m of the opinion that marriage doesn’t have to be for life. Over the years one changes, then on a given day you wake up feeling unsatisfied with your life and spouse. If the differences can’t be worked out then there should be no shame to end the marriage. Someone close to me, who ended a 25 year marriage, said she outgrew her husband. That’s a short and sweet way to put it.I’m sure that if in our mother’s era, women did not feel the stigma of being divorced and were not financially dependant on their husbands , many would have divorced.

Experts say men need marriage to calm them and that single women without children are the happiest. I believe that if a woman did not have the desire to experience motherhood, there would be very few marriages today.

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained

Yesterday my friend D and I attended a dinner party hosted at a restaurant by a gentleman with an interesting story, a good friend of our mutual friend, M. We knew no one except M. We arrived a little late because of the construction chaos downtown. After the introductions were made, we sat down to begin our meal.

At my table there was a woman who owned a matchmaking agency. She said that the most common mistake people make when searching for a love partner is their lack of open-mindedness. They are not ready to venture out of their comfort zone. They should look past the physical appearance or lack of instant connection, and take the time to get to know them as a person. If they get to like and appreciate the person, the rest will follow.

Sounds like logical and sound advise but in today’s world where we look for instant gratification and we are slaves to our busy schedules, we don’t have the luxury of time to get to know someone, unless we think the person is worthy of our time. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t met anyone I’d like to share my life with. Or maybe, it’s because I enjoy being single and not ready to settle into a committed relationship.

When dinner parties are held at restaurants it is hard to mingle but last night, D encouraged me to venture outside the premises with the guests who went to enjoy a cigarette and chat idley. There we got to know some of the other guests. My friend and I are ex smokers, but last night we were each offered a cigarette which we graciously took and giggled like two school girls while trying not to inhale. With one puff we were both buzzed, but this broke the ice and we shared some good laughs with the others.

This was the highlight of the evening, a casual exchange with a few laughs, without any expectations.

Thank You, M for having us added to the guest list.

The Time Has Come

I think we can safely say that spring has arrived. With it people are in better spirits, including myself.

In my last blog I mentioned that I was awaiting news of my breast biopsy. Luckily, the results were negative. When I entered the doctor’s office for the results I wasn’t even given a chance to sit down before he announced the results. The doctor then quickly apologized for not inviting me to sit but he said that I looked so tense that he wanted to immediately ease my mind. I sighed with relief, not realizing until then how much it was weighing on me.

The emotional clutter I was feeling is slowly being cleared. One of my first important decisions was regarding my “no name” relationship with the younger man, Ryan; I decided to end it. Sometime ago I realized that this “undefined” relationship was a very pleasant distraction, but it was becoming a dependency, like a drug. It kept me from moving forward, evolving.

He came into my life when I needed to feel like a woman, to express my sexuality. We developed a friendship. Countless hours were spent discussing many topics while sharing a bottle of wine.

I will always look back at this relationship as part of my sexual awakening and never forget the first time we kissed (it is permanently etched in my mind) but, mostly how he appreciated me for being me.

Good-bye Ryan, the sexy man, the gentle soul.