Last Friday I had lunch with my old lover, the man some 20 years my senior.
From time to time we contact each other.
Before the lunch, he came by the house with a beautiful bouquet of white roses. I was taken aback by his gesture but pleased, nonetheless.
Over lunch, we got caught up on the past months. We also talked about my last blog, “The Male Species”. When he drove me home, I invited him in for a drink. It was my way of thanking him for the flowers and the lunch.
I poured us a digestive and we sat on the couch. He kissed me.
He would have liked us to get intimate but I chose not to, this time. It didn’t feel right. He stayed a little longer and then left.
In my blog, published in May, “The Time Has Come”, I talked about having ended my relationship with my young lover. In truth, the relationship did not stay dormant. I began seeing him again, as a friend. Then one day, the sexual desire was too strong and I succumbed to his advances. It was after a friend advised me that she saw him with another woman for me to finally end it. I discussed it with him and at first he denied it. Then with some probing on my part he admitted it was true. A few weeks prior this occurrence, we had discussed and agreed to be honest with each other, if either of us met someone else.
I haven’t seen my young lover in almost two months. The first month I ignored all his texts and phone calls. Then I decided to reply. I made it clear that it was over between us (as of yesterday, he was still texting, wanting to see me).
When I divorced my husband, he pursued me, endlessly. He would call, text and occasionally invite me to dinner. We continued to have sex. He was by my side the day I had my partial mastectomy. All of it made me feel that I finally had his attention, the attention I craved and lacked during the many years of my marriage. I was basking in it, feeling I had some control over him. At the same time I felt deep sorrow. I never considered taking him back because I knew we would go back to “the way we were”, prior our separation.
It took a major depression, for me to finally realize that continuing to have my ex-husband in my life, even as, “just a friend”, was toxic for me.
I have learned and gained many insights about myself and the male psyche from all three relationships, insights that need more reflection, before I can discuss them openly.
In all my three relationships the men have initiated the sexual advances, even when we were, “just friends”.
Sexual intimacy is powerful. Letting go of its energy is a challenge.
Can women and men really have a “friends only” relationship after they break up?