Hold me back

This morning the doorbell awoke me. It was 7:45 a.m.. I got up quickly, put on my robe and tidied my hair. A little annoyed by the early interruption, I opened the door. It was a tall good looking young man in work clothes. He was part of the crew that came to install my backyard Gazebo. My annoyance turned into a burst of energy. He had the most beautiful smile. I went to greet them in the backyard. They were 3 strapping young men.

I messaged my younger daughter to tell her to hold me back, cause these men were just too gorgeous, lol! She replied jokingly, “Wait, I’m coming”.

I find that as I get older I appreciate the physical male attributes alot more. Especially the one of younger men. It’s like “eye candy”. Their towering strength, their strong muscular arms, their sinewy legs, their rugged look in construction boots. You can see the sweat and feel the testosterone that is emitted while they work with their tools.

One evening while having dinner at a restaurant with a friend, an “Adonis” of a speciman passed by. I could no longer concentrate on her words. I interrupted the conversation to tell her to give me a minute. Is this how men feel when they see attractive young women?

Table for One

For the past 3 weeks my back yard has been under major landscaping renovation. The work is almost finished. I have been enjoying every step of the process with one exception, the fence. Making sure my neighbors agreed on the dividing line, without the additional expenses of hiring a land surveyor and the delays it would cause, was somewhat challenging for me. However, this experience is giving me added confidence. Also, the fact that I am handling this project on my own is so empowering and fulfilling.

It is a beautiful Saturday evening and no one to enjoy it with, so I decided to take myself out. I’m enjoying a plate of lobster ravioli in a cream sauce. Next to me is a table of women in their early 50 ‘s. I can’t help hearing snippets of their conversation- ex-hubands, boyfriends and pets.

Recently, I found out that one of my female cousins has seperated after 21 years of marriage. I’m of the opinion that marriage doesn’t have to be for life. Over the years one changes, then on a given day you wake up feeling unsatisfied with your life and spouse. If the differences can’t be worked out then there should be no shame to end the marriage. Someone close to me, who ended a 25 year marriage, said she outgrew her husband. That’s a short and sweet way to put it.I’m sure that if in our mother’s era, women did not feel the stigma of being divorced and were not financially dependant on their husbands , many would have divorced.

Experts say men need marriage to calm them and that single women without children are the happiest. I believe that if a woman did not have the desire to experience motherhood, there would be very few marriages today.

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained

Yesterday my friend D and I attended a dinner party hosted at a restaurant by a gentleman with an interesting story, a good friend of our mutual friend, M. We knew no one except M. We arrived a little late because of the construction chaos downtown. After the introductions were made, we sat down to begin our meal.

At my table there was a woman who owned a matchmaking agency. She said that the most common mistake people make when searching for a love partner is their lack of open-mindedness. They are not ready to venture out of their comfort zone. They should look past the physical appearance or lack of instant connection, and take the time to get to know them as a person. If they get to like and appreciate the person, the rest will follow.

Sounds like logical and sound advise but in today’s world where we look for instant gratification and we are slaves to our busy schedules, we don’t have the luxury of time to get to know someone, unless we think the person is worthy of our time. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t met anyone I’d like to share my life with. Or maybe, it’s because I enjoy being single and not ready to settle into a committed relationship.

When dinner parties are held at restaurants it is hard to mingle but last night, D encouraged me to venture outside the premises with the guests who went to enjoy a cigarette and chat idley. There we got to know some of the other guests. My friend and I are ex smokers, but last night we were each offered a cigarette which we graciously took and giggled like two school girls while trying not to inhale. With one puff we were both buzzed, but this broke the ice and we shared some good laughs with the others.

This was the highlight of the evening, a casual exchange with a few laughs, without any expectations.

Thank You, M for having us added to the guest list.

The Time Has Come

I think we can safely say that spring has arrived. With it people are in better spirits, including myself.

In my last blog I mentionned that I was awaiting news of my breast biopsy. Luckily, the results were negative. When I entered the doctor’s office for the results I wasn’t even given a chance to sit down before he announced the results. The doctor then quickly apologized for not inviting me to sit but he said that I looked so tense that he wanted to immediately ease my mind. I sighed with relief, not realizing until then how much it was weighing on me.

The emotional clutter I was feeling is slowly being cleared. One of my first important decisions was regarding my “no name” relationship with the younger man, Ryan; I decided to end it. Sometime ago I realized that this “undefined” relationship was a very pleasant distraction, but it was becoming a dependency, like a drug. It kept me from moving forward, evolving.

He came into my life when I needed to feel like a woman, to express my sexuality. We developed a friendship. Countless hours were spent discussing many topics while sharing a bottle of wine.

I will always look back at this relationship as part of my sexual awakening and never forget the first time we kissed (it is permantely etched in my mind) but, mostly how he appreciated me for being me.

Good-bye Ryan, the sexy man, the gentle soul.

The Spring Clean-Up

I’ve been in deep reflection mode since the beginning of the year.

The winter (weather) was a harsh one. It put me in a state of semi-hibernation which prevented me from engaging in any non essential activity.

My physical health is a cause for concern again. The mammogram taken earlier this year showed growing microcalcifications in the breast. A biopsy was performed; the results of my biopsy are due on Thursday.

Going on vacation in St Marteen in mid March was the launching pad for a fresh start .

I’m at a turning point again, in my life. I need to realign myself. I need to simplify my life. An emotional spring clean up is needed.

Over the years our body, mind and spirit becomes cluttered just like our closets.

Lately, I’ve been wanting to change my dress style. I want my clothes to fit my body, not have my body fit the garment. A woman’s mature body is harder to dress than that of a firm young woman’s body. I’m in the process of cleaning my closet and discarding any item that does not meet my new requirement.

Spiritually, I am working on decluttering old emotions, hurts and self image with some breathing and meditation.

When I’m not in tune with my true self, my body talks to me. It comes in the form of physical ailments and diseases. The more I deny my true self, the worse the ailments become. I must learn to truly love, respect and accept myself. I must heed my intuition and affirm myself and not fear rejection. I must learn forgiveness at a deeper level.

My mind is always in thought mode. Even my sleep is not restorative, experiencing vivid dreams with strong emotions.

Transitional phases of any kind are never easy because they bring the unknown to your doorstep. You must learn new ways and confront your fears. They test your strengths and weaknesses. It is in the transitional phase that you have the opportunity to grow and discover new facets of yourself.

The Weekend

Just got home from an evening out with my young friends, Maya and Anastasia. We went for dinner at a fine restaurant in a quiet residential area. We ate too much, laughed and drank good wine. The waiter was very friendly which made the evening even more fun. After our meal he gave us a complimentary dessert and a digestif to accompany the dessert.

Maya suggested we head off to a local club for a nightcap. Upon arrival we walked around the club to get a feel of the crowd.

Anastasia was approached by a man and they chatted for a while and then he disappeared.

We made our way to the bar to order drinks. Two gentlemen sitting at the bar offered me an empty seat between them. My friends encouraged me to accept. The DJ had just put on a Frank Sinatra song, New York, New York. Everyone began to sing along and the gentleman on my left took off his cap and put it on my head and encouraged me to sing along. Maya was enjoying the interaction. He offered each of us a drink. He chatted with Maya and Anastasia, intermittently.

Conversations in clubs are difficult. People go there to drink, listen to music and eye the opposite sex. Some men like the one tonight, will actually offer a woman a drink, no strings attached, just for the pleasure of having their attention.

The gentleman on my right was there with his wife, enjoying a night out without the children. He thought Maya was my daughter — said we looked alike. Maya told him we were friends. He was surprised. I imagine it seems strange for a 62 year old to be friends with a 28 year old!

As I’ve been told, age is just a number.

Maya often reminds me not to focus on my age but to just enjoy life to the fullest. She’s right.

The Spring Vacation

Last week I came back from spending a week in St Maarten. The weather was perfect; always a light breeze to keep us cool with lower temperatures in the evening.

Most of my days were spent on the beach just not the same one, lol; my young

friend Maya likes to “beach hop”.

On the Sunday we took a speedboat excursion to another country nearby, called Anquilla. It was a cloudy day and the ocean was a bit choppy. The captain accelerated to keep us from catching the rain. It was a wild ride and frankly a bit dangerous but exilerating nonetheless. Most of the occupants on the boat were young millennials. They were drinking and music was playing. It was like a rollercoaster ride. When we arrived at our destination we swam to shore but I had difficulty swimming back. The waves were high. A young man called Zac jumped to my rescue and helped me back to the boat. At one of the stops I stayed on the boat and chatted with a surgeon and his girlfriend. We talked about dating sites since it was how they met. We swapped some of our experiences. She asked if younger men had reached out to me on the site and I replied that they had. I told her that my sexual experiences were with younger men. They both high fived me. She was genuinely delighted to know older women can get younger men, at any age, that she shouted it out to everyone. On the boat I also got to chat with a retired professional squash player from India. He now lived in New York recruiting players dfoe this sport. He had come to St Martin for the annual music festival with friends. There he instantly connected with a woman and they started a vacation romance. She was with him on the excursion. It brought back memories of my vacation romances when I was a young woman.

As a side note, I so enjoy spending time with younger people. They are full of life and make you forget all your aches and woes. They are so engaging. I always feel privileged to interact with them.

On another day we took a small boat ride to Pinel Island to sunbathe and enjoy the beach. The water was knee deep for a very long stretch. We had an assigned waiter who served us on the beach. Between the two of us we drank two bottles of rosé after our lunch. We met a lovely couple sitting next to us and chatted with them. Once the wine kicked in we got giddy and chatty. Maya suggested we untie our hair and take pictures in the ocean. We took pictures in our bikinis not caring about seeing our imperfections on camera (not that Maya has any). It was so liberating!

One night Maya wanted to retire early so I decided to go for a drink at the hotel bar. There a met a very young man called Jackson, we had a brief conversation until I decided it was time to retire. He was 3 years old (where are all the available men)!

We both got great tans and put some healthy color back on our faces after a long and harsh winter.